Tears
by somesilverreply
Summary: Post-Mockingjay, pre-epilogue. "Sometimes, in order to finally let yourself be free, you have to indulge in a moment of vulnerability." Katniss, feeling alone, remembers some of the light moments that saved her from the dark.


Hey there! Happy Easter to all that celebrate! I've had this story on my iPod for the longest time and finally got around to publishing it. Enjoy!

-Laura :)

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><p>"We could do it you know. Leave the district. You and I, we could make it."<p>

Gale's once comforting voice rebounds in my skull. Now, his voice feels harsh. Like I can't be myself around him. Or anyone, for that matter.

It's hard to believe that just two years ago I had that conversation with Gale. I didn't have much, just an old run down house in the meadow. I hunted everyday to provide for my family. I had my little sister and my mother. I only had two outfits and had never taken a  
>single shower.<p>

But this meager amount, pathetic compared to what I have now, shines brighter then all the gold I own today. Because I have Capitol gold; fancy foods and three bedrooms. What I had not even two years ago, was my gold.

Even though we had so little, I worked hard for it. The most rewarding thing in the world was to catch a nice fat, juicy rabbit and bring it home to Prim. Of course, I would never let her watch me skin it. She hated the thought of eating animals I killed, but I knew she secretly thought they were the most delicious things in the world.

Life was normal. Even though I had to work hard, at least I enjoyed it. And I never had to worry about things like whether or not to kill President Snow. I had no respect for the Capitol, and thought as little as I could about it, because I knew it would just make me angry.

But that one day. The one day that changed everything. I remember every detail. Prim's goat cheese with the basil leaves. Me catching the berry Gale threw to me in my mouth. The powder blue dress. Madge, the mockingjay pin.

Getting reaped.

But as I look back at all the hell I've been through because of it, I really wouldn't have changed any of it if it meant Prim could live. After all, didn't all of this start because of her? She was reaped, and I volunteered. She would've died if she went in the arena.

She would've died either way.

I curl up on my couch in my house in the Victor's Village, and shut my eyes. I feel a warm salty tear escape my eye, and take a deep breath.

How could life go on? Who, what did I have to live for?

I shuddered as I looked down at the cat and realized I could be stuck in here forever taking care of that cat.

But he was Prim's cat. So I have to suck it up and be a cat lady.

I gently kick him and laugh as I get up to fill his water and food. I remember the day when Prim brought him home for the first time. I was 12, it was a year after my father died. Prim was only 8. It was my birthday, May 8th, which is ironically the day before Prim's. I had gotten up early to go trade at the Hob, where Greasy Sae had given me her special soup for free in honor of my special day. So I slurped down my soup made of rat and dandelion and headed home. I dragged my empty game bag in the door; yet another trade less day. We were running low on food fast and I suddenly felt ashamed for eating all the soup myself. Birthday or not. That's when a large hissing noise stopped me in my tracks.

"Happy Birthday!"

The cat was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen. How could she think I wanted that for my birthday? But I smiled and thanked her anyway. I bent over to pet the thing when I felt a pinch. It bit me! I had it with this cat. It was just an annoying thing that demanded food and took up space. I decided I would kill it tonight and tell Prim it ran away.

It was raining outside, so all I had to do was leave the bucket in the rain. I slowly and quietly went inside and yanked the cat by its tail. I knew it would cause a fuss any second, so I threw it in the bucket. It was making loud thrashing noises when I heard thundering footsteps at the door.

"KATNISS! What are you doing?" she said with her little lisp.

Before I even had time to answer, she was already running and screaming over to the bucket to get the cat.

I was about to object, but when I saw her face, I stopped. She held it like it was her life, like she just wanted to make it happy. And I knew I had to let her keep it. Because I know what that feels like. Prim was my Buttercup. So now that Prim isn't around to take care of him, I need to guard him with my life.

Little Prim and her ducktail flushed through my head and I broke down on my knees. I picked Buttercup up and started stroking him. And this time, he didn't hiss.

I slowly carried him over to the couch and sat him on my lap.

I pet him gently as something else caught my eye. A pearl. A sweet, beautiful pearl.

The little sunlight coming through the window chooses to land on that single pearl for a reason.

Him. Peeta. I look back and see how many times he's kept me sane in awful situations. Given me a shoulder to cry on. Stopped my nightmares.

His words, his loving arms. His lips. I sigh and lean back, resting my head on the side of the couch so I can lie down. I can remember, no, feel that moment in the arena. It was new, and although I would've never admitted it to myself, exciting.

"But Katniss-"

"No Peeta, I don't even want to hear it.

"I-"

I had stopped his words with my lips, giving him hope and the cameras a show. I feel my lips tingling with heat as I remember how hot his fever was.

Suddenly all that happened in the cave came rushing back at me. The kissing, the broth, that dumb story about me and Gale getting Prim's goat. I laugh and stroke Buttercup's fur.

I pick up the pearl and grasp it in my hand, the cool surface turning hot. My warm hand remembers something. A sweet memory I'd never really thought about before.

It was on the Victory tour. We were just leaving District 4. I feel the salty wind that blew against my face, stealing my breath. It was beautiful. Water, as far as you could see. So clear and pristine; I was itching to jump in.

All of a sudden I was jerked back and fell down, the impact knocking the wind out of me. I heard a deafening screech, and all at once the train came to a stop. I guess the impact of my fall must have been pretty loud because it sent Peeta practically tripping over his feet to find me.

"Katniss! Are you alright?"

Without letting me answer, he walked over and held out his hand to help me get up.

I was fine, and I could very well get up without him. But after all I'd done to him, I owe it to him to accept his kindness. After all, I lied to him about my feelings for him.

Thinking about that now makes me seem like an awful person.

I smile as he helps me up. "Thank you. What happened?"

"The um... train... engine problems."

He looks awkward as he stands there with his hands in his pockets, not making eye contact with me. Like he's some middle school kid and I'm his crush. I laugh at him, and he looks at me, questioning.

"No need to be nervous around me."

He laughs and realizes his awkward stance.

"I'm sorry. I'm just... a little shook up."

Suddenly a thought hit me. I quickly turned to look out the window, staring out at the beautiful ocean water. I looked back at him with a sinister look.

"What?" he questioned my puzzling look.

"Peeta, have you ever been swimming?"

And so we went. It would be at least a few more hours before the train was repaired, so why not?

I tightened my grip on the pearl as I felt my feet brush across the warm sand of the beach. Peeta was slowing his pace and I could tell he was getting tired of running. So we stopped at the shore and let our feet cool down in the water as we walked to the dock.

I can see his warm smile behind my eyelids, which at the time I could've swore made the sun brighter.

I finally felt like he was letting me back in his life. I reached out my hand, and after a little hesitation, he took it in his. And we jumped. We sprinted down the creaking old wooden dock and jumped. The water hitting my skin was so pure. I felt like I had nothing to worry  
>about. As long as I would stay there, with him.<p>

"Always." I said allowed. I smiled as I put Buttercup down to put the pearl back on the table.

But of cause, that relief was soon gone and I was sent back into the nightmarish death trap known as the arena. I can almost feel the claws of those horrible orange chimps, trying to tear us apart. I feel the urge to scratch at my skin, still clad with scars from the deadly smoke that sent Mags to her death.

The room is silent, all except for Buttercup's soft snoring and the faint ticking of a clock. A clock...

Suddenly each memory became more vivid. Prim's simulated cries from the Jabberjays, the blood rain, Peeta almost dying. They each hit me hard, wrapping me in an insane mental game.

I sit up quickly, startling Buttercup. My vision was going blurry from the blood rushing too quickly. I ignore it and run towards the Mockingjay clock in Prim's old bedroom. It was getting louder and louder, the ticks and tocks pounding in my head every time making my vision ten times worse. I just hit the off button when my vision went black.

***  
>I woke up on the floor, my back against the bedside. I put a hand to my head to see if anything was wrong. I wasn't bleeding but there was a prominent bump; a sign of a maybe minor concussion. I wasn't very worried.<p>

I got up extra slowly this time, pushing against the floor to sit up. But when I did, my hand found the clock I had slammed crashed into pieces on the floor.

Good, I thought, enough of that.

I washed my face in the bathroom, the cold water feeling soothing to my puffy red eyes.

My head felt like a thousand drummers inhabited it, pounding in rhythm. I turn, eyeing the tempting warm shower. Maybe it'll somehow help me clear my head.

And not just my headache.

I slip out of my pajamas that I've been wearing all day long. There's really no use in getting dressed anymore, except for when I occasionally go into town for supplies.

Sometimes though, every once and a while, I cave in and travel to the woods. Every time I go, I feel like I'm torturing myself. My bow feels heavier, my old hunting jacket feels somehow cold, and everything seems silent. Not a single mockingjay can be heard.

I never shot a single animal. I don't think I ever will again. I vowed, after Prim died, nothing will ever be hurt from my hands again.

The woods, to me now, are not a safe place, but a place I wish I could forget.

But mostly, I try to avoid them because of Gale. Gale, in my mind now, is just a bitter memory. Like, a story that stopped right before the climax.

It's so hard making the journey there anyway. Because then I know I have to pass my house.

I remember, when I finally came home to what was once District 12, I ran straight for my old house, opened the door and didn't come out for almost 3 days. It took Peeta carrying me out to make me leave.

I just sat there on my mother's old bed, motionless. I know feel sympathetic for her after my father died. I feel a twinge of guilt deep in my stomach.

I flip the switch to the heat I like the water and step in, clinging to the feeling of it like a vice. I squeeze a light, flowery shampoo and lose myself in it.

Sometimes, when I can't sleep from nightmares, or my own dark thoughts, I try to think of at least a few good things that have come from my experiences.

Peeta is always first.

Secondly, the showers. A luxury I never had until moving to my  
>Victor's Village house.<p>

Usually trying of thinking of more things gets me to sleep. There isn't too many of them to think about.

After I'm done, I use a dryer Cinna gave me after the first set of Games.

I sometimes wonder what truly happened to Cinna. Did he really die before I entered the arena? Could he have withstood the blow? It's no use anyway. He probably would have died anyway from my doings.

I bring my attention to the small device and push the 'on' button. It uses a current to dry, untangle, and moisturize my hair. I braid it back just as my mother did. By now, my fingers move robotically. I don't have to think about a single step.

I'm about to put my pajamas back on when something stops me. I slip my robe that was hanging from the door and go to my kitchen window. Today was Sunday, and it was around 5 pm. Ever since we got home, Peeta has set a schedule for himself. A way of occupying time (keeping himself from going insane). Every Sunday, he makes an elaborate dinner for the two of us, always putting mine on my front doorstep. I never wanted to see him, fearing I might break down or something worse. I was worried I would trigger the symptoms from his hijacking again.

But then I see him. So focused on baking and enticed in his work. Doing something he loved to do. Living.

I go upstairs and put on a pair of jeans and a simple orange shirt.

I'm sitting here, alone in a giant house, doing nothing but reminisce of old memories. Old memories I can never get back. All of this isn't a dream. It's not going to somehow go back to normal.

I'm here, in the remains of a broken country. No one around but a select few who have strangely decided to stay put or return to this barren place.

Probably here the same reason Peeta and I are here. They can't let go.

I'm here feeling so alone. But I'm not. The boy that once gave me hope lifetimes ago is standing there what but 20 yards away.

I love him. How, I'll never really know. Our relationship has forever been tainted with plastic smiles and cameras. But underneath the makeup and war and other hells we've endured he's been there for me. And that will be with me forever.

I walk out my door, loving the foreign-feeling fresh air on my skin. I walk to his house and don't even bother knocking.

"Katniss?"

He asks, smiling. I run into his arms and just hold him for what feels like eternity.

I'm not completely alone. I'll always feel empty in some way, but never completely.

I turn his head around and kiss him fiercely. Something burns inside  
>me. I feel as though I'm living, and not just surviving.<p>

Sometimes, in order to finally let yourself be free, you have to  
>indulge in a moment of vulnerability.<p>

And let your tears fall.

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><p>What did you guys think of the movie? I've seen it 4 times! xD<p> 


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